2.12.16

i write in pain right now. 
but i didn't know that there's a difference between suffering and pain.
suffering is that feeling that lingers on. pain is the thing that you can actually name which allows you to move onto acceptance and finally move on.
i write in pain right now,  but because i've been out skateboardig and decompressing for awhile. i fell several times today trying to heelflip the three stair by zellarbach. it felt like i dislocated my shoulder. but i'm fine.

it's strange that the last few days have just been me trying to get things done, but some past issues just never seem to leave you alone. 
here's a small piece i wrote recently while i was a little angry

spring 2015
what was i to you

long dark hair
milk chocolate skin
a hidden side-alley for you
escape?

or just a quick joy ride to amuse you
to tantalize, like putting yarn in front of an innocent cat
showing, giving nips,
but never releasing

instead
slyly tricking, seducing  to believe
that my skinny cage of a body
still in the auto repair shop from the last wreck
the wreck where i lost her,
the one who wipes the mookat from my sleepy eyes during my youth
the one who in my youth, i clutch with strained veins, even while i sleep
hoping never for her departure
even across the street for a long night working in the intensive care
the one who i receive scabs from every time i try to cover her up,
 but end up re-gashing the still oozing scars each time i try
 try to see if i can drive safely again

this is the one you never knew of

but you coax me
lure me to believe that my frame
fragile, nervous, not ready
can
and i believed

but even after all i do
blinking my signals,
right, right, left, left
even ignoring the warning splashes in my vision
instead of quickly using my wipers to clear them
i let your reign blur my vision

but even then
my frame does not meet your inspection
my frame is just cheap amusement
to  you
till you connect back to your main ride
your main street
your mayne.