finally made a zine. just need to make things again without feeling the fear of being judged. it’s hard tho.

today has been somewhat hard. I finished all that i needed to do today, but jeez, i’m drained trying to figure out one thing which is housing in nyc.

i’m not sure where this is going to go. and i’m scared that i might end up on the streets.
all of my worst nightmares are happening right now. all right before my birthday. I want to read what my horoscope says. It’s probably something positive, but it all feels so negative right now. Reason I say I want to see my horoscope is so that I can have something to laugh at.

welp, it was a bit more depressing to look at then to laugh at. creatively, i feel a bit better.

i read somewhere that your work must pull you rather than force you. I like that vein.

Well I made something. I’m kind of scared to release anything right now. I just don’t think this is good work right now. I think it could be a lot better, but it’s whatever to be honest. I need to get back into the creative zone. I keep saying to myself that I need to get mad, but frankly I’m not.

I talked to one of my good friends, Ro, about being lazy to be angry. it’s a type of way I guess. I feel like I need to be producing cleaner work. I think this is just an exploration of things that I want to do right now. Just make shit.

I biked home really slow that day after skating.

Really rough.

3 good things

Skated with my bro Josh

Free lunch

There was a lot of work to do today.

3 good things

1. People at work are very understanding about what’s going on with Auntie

2. Feeling motivated again to create

3. There was a lot of work to do today :D

Went back to work and there was a lot to do today. I was pretty happy because there was so much to do. I know that this seems to be the last few weeks here at EP+Co. I’ll miss the comfortable space that is there and also the fact that people were very nice about what’s going on with my Aunt.

I worked on my resume today and wrote a cover letter and applied to a few jobs. I know that the ones I applied to probably won’t get me anywhere, but it would be nice to see what I can get and what I have to tweak. It sucks that it has to be this way, but you know, anger has been a good motivator for me in the past.

It got me to Berkeley. It’s allowed me to create something every day. It reminds me that there’s so much more to work for. It reminds me that I have so much more to live for. Anger is sometimes a good emotion.

Recently, I’ve been saying that my anger is never validated from others. It’s true. So in this sense of using anger as my motivation, I’m finally validating the feelings that I’ve kept inside for so long.

Anger is often grief that has been kept quiet. Anger is this one emotion that is so powerful. However, I do have to be careful with it. Anger can also destroy. But in the mean time, I feel pretty good. I’m going to spend a little bit more time tonight just making whatever.