my initials are BA. stands for badass


Back at it again

So we’re here again.

I answered all the questions for this application I’m filling out. However, the issue is now making it into a really nice proposal. I’m getting a little overwhelmed, but I’m also thinking about how it’s the small things that will take me to the finish line right now. I sat down today, slept/napped/ just closed my eyes for about an hour and felt a bit more motivated again.

I think the reason why this is taking so long is because I have to write and I’m not really fond of writing that much anymore. It’s hard because this is the only way that my project will be shown/ displayed to anyone.

I’ve been a little out of focus as well. Romance or something is in the air and frankly, I’m in a kind of drunk state of mind. Can’t really focus on what I want to do and I don’t have anyone to blame but myself. It’s not even blame. It’s just, wow. I haven’t been in some type of relationship in so long. I like want a relationship, but the clear lines of what I want is so hard. I have a friend who is in a relationship that has clear boundaries and guidelines to describe it. I’ve been trying to talk to her about it since yesterday and unfortunately, I’m a little impatient about it. I know that no one has all the answers, but people have perspective.

hmm. is that a banger? No one has all the answers, but they have perspective?

I like that a lot.

Also, it’s interesting because I’m listening to this song right now.

The line says, you’re the positive motivating force that’s in my life.

It’s definitely a love song, but for the last 2 years I’ve just been thinking about how the positive motivating force in my life has to be myself. I have to believe in myself.

I have to love myself first before I can love anyone else and I think I do finally. I think I’m more relaxed with who I am as a person, but it’s hard when it comes to career/ social media and shit like that. I never wanted to be famous. Never really occurred to me. However, after moving to NYC, it’s something that I think about on the daily and it’s something that I need to reframe. I don’t want that. I want recognition, but never to the point where it’s like I can’t go outside and shop for myself. That’s debilitating.

It’s hard to want so many different things right now. Better job for finances, be better at skateboarding, a relationship. So many different things, but it’s about how to prioritize right now.

I’ve been focused on the job/ design thing for 2 months, but starting to get a little burnt out. I think it’s mainly because I have two major things I’m submitting for and hope something good happens. If nothing happens, then that’s okay. FAIL. First Attempt at Learning.

I think since it’s been awhile since I’ve written, it’s a good thing to have taken a break. I feel a bit better too because revisiting this blog and actually reading everything I wrote reminds me why I wanted to do any of this in the first place.

So now that I know that it takes about 2 months for me before I burnout. I think after every month I do this, I take a week off so that I don’t burnout too much.

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Bradley Afroilan